Leon Tchaikovsky’s
FINDING THE PERFECT MATE
Leon Tchaikovsky
19th Century Wolf Productions
208 North Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
United States of America
Earth (outside Los Angeles)
17101-1124
Other screenplays by Leon Tchaikovsky:
ROTFL WITH BOB
TRIALS OF A 58 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
OUR MAINE GUY
REACH FOR THE SKY
THE SIXTH DIMENSION
HITTING BOTTOM
THE LAST SOLDIER TO DIE
LIFE HURTS
MY SHORTS ARE SHOWING
LIKE KISSING MY SISTER
PLAY BY DOZENS
THIS FILM IS A HORROR
LOS ANGELES COULD DO BETTER
FADE IN
INT: HANNAH’S DINER - NIGHT
A sign reads “Welcome to Hannah’s Dinner. No shirt, no service. No clothes, no service, but we may let you stay .” There is an array of alcoholic beverages behind a counter.
HANNAH HAMPSHIRE, an attractive red-headed woman in her twenties, works behind the counter serving and pouring drinks for CUSTOMERS sitting at the counter. Other CUSTOMERS sits at booths.
MAX EDISON, an attractive man in his twenties, enters the dinner holding a floral bouquet.
Max hands the flowers to Hannah while taking a seat at the counter.
HANNAH
You remembered my birthday!
Hannah finds a vase and puts the flowers in the vase.
MAX
I remember what you tell me.
HANNAH
I mentioned that once, like six
months ago.
MAX
See, I listen.
HANNAH
None of my ex-boyfriends
remembered. Probably a good
sign why they are all exes.
JILL WATERS, an attractive woman with small breasts in her twenties sits at the counter next to Max, listens to this conversation.
Jill’s eyes grow wider.
JILL
My boyfriend has never remembered
my birthday. Then again, we’ve only
been dating eight months, so he missed
just one.
HANNAH
Max, meet my best friend, Jill.
MAX
It’s the ninety-five percent of men who
forget birthdays that make the five
percent of us good guys look bad.
HANNAH
Henry Kissinger said that.
MAX
Not about birthdays. I wonder
if he ever forgot Nixon’s birthday?
JILL
Who’s Henry Kissinger?
MAX
I remember the entire Vietnam era
is just one paragraph in high school
textbooks.
JILL
Was Nixon’s his wife?
Max turns towards Jill smiling at Jill.
Jill smiles nicely at Max and then blushes.
MAX
I presume you did not major in
Political Science.
JILL
No. I only minored in Poli Sci.
MAX
What did you study?
JILL
Astrophysics.
MAX
What do you do?
JILL
I study dark matter.
MAX
Ah. Then you should understand
the male mind.
JILL
Men are easy to understand.
Their thoughts are of sex and
food. And not necessarily in
that order.
MAX
Which reminds me, Hannah,
do you have a menu?
Max smiles at Hannah.
MAX (cont’d)
That was an afterthought.
Jill raises her hand to shake hands with Max.
JILL
I’m Jill Waters. Can you believe
I am dating a boyfriend named,
ready for it, Lucas Tookus? Maybe
growing up with that as a name
made him stronger.
MAX
Pleased to meet you.
JILL
The pleasure is all mine.
MAX
Perhaps someday.
Jill giggles shyly.
MAX (cont’d)
My name is Max Edison.
No relation to Thomas.
JILL
That must be confusing.
Does Thomas live near
here?
MAX
Ah, no, he died.
JILL
That’s so sad. Were you
close?
MAX
No, we never met. Jill, what
do you do when you are
not imbibing in Hannah’s
delicacies?
HANNAH
You leave my delicates out of
this.
JILL
I work for my father. He owns a
company that makes aircraft and
satellites.
MAX
I bet business is soaring.
JILL
Ha ha. Like I haven’t heard
that one before.
MAX
The jokes get worse as the night
goes along.
Hannah turns to Max.
HANNAH
What’ll you have?
MAX
I’ll have the cranberry walnut salad
and a black coffee.
JILL
You’re the first man I’ve seen at a bar
order a salad.
MAX
Its a miracle. Later tonight I’ll show
you my space alien parents working
in the kitchen.
SAM RIVERA, a cook, emerges from the kitchen.
SAM
We’re all citizens. Leave us alone.
Sam exits into the kitchen.
MAX
For the record, that is not my
father. My alien parents are green.
Sam emerges from the kitchen.
SAM
No green cards. We’re all citizens.
I am third generation, born in
Santa Monica.
Sam exists into the kitchen.
JILL
Don’t worry about that. My father
already showed me the green
space aliens he has hidden.
Jill stares seriously at Max.
Max is, and looks, confused.
JILL (cont’d)
Just kidding.
Jill stares seriously at Max.
JILL (cont’d)
Or am I?
MAX
What do you do at your father’s
company, when you’re not
looking at dead space aliens?
Jill stares seriously at Max.
JILL
Who said they were dead?
Jill laughs.
JILL (cont’d)
I mostly serve as Vice Chair of the
Board waiting for my inheritance.
During the day I work on satellite
design for exploring, can you guess…
MAX
Dark matter. You thought I was
going to say space aliens.
JILL
You’re right.
MAX
See, I was paying attention.
Hannah delivers a salad and black coffee to Max.
HANNAH
Here’s your rabbit food.
MAX
Thank you, ribbit.
JILL
You’re not drinking alcohol?
MAX
Quit drinking years ago.
JILL
Alcoholic?
MAX
No, just don’t want to drink.
JILL
Then why sit at a bar?
MAX
I need Hannah’s rabbit food
to keep me hopping.
JILL
You know what I noticed?
MAX
What?
JILL
You’re the first guy in a bar
who actually listened to what
a woman was saying.
MAX
(in a joking manner)
What was that again?
JILL
Guys in bars only talk about
themselves.
HANNAH
Or sex.
JILL
Boasting about what they do.
HANNAH
Especially about sex.
MAX
We do also talk about food. Great
salad.
JILL
Also, you didn’t hit on me.
MAX
I’m sorry. Was I supposed to?
JILL
No, I mean, that would have been
nice, but, no.
MAX
I’m sensing a mixed message.
JILL
It’s just refreshing to talk about
yourself without a guy pressing
to take me to his place, or my
place.
MAX
All that dark matter stuff at your
place does sound enticing.
JILL
Oh, wait, I’m sorry.
MAX
About what?
JILL
You’re gay.
MAX
I am? I’m always the last to find
out.
JILL
You’re not?
MAX
No, I’m straight.
JILL
You’re married.
Max lifts his hands to show he is not wearing a ring.
MAX
No ring.
JILL
You take your ring off when you
go to a bar.
MAX
No…
JILL
Although then you should have
been hitting on me.
MAX
Unmarried.
JILL
You’re in a committed relationship.
MAX
No, unlucky at love.
JILL
Then what’s wrong with you?
MAX
There is something wrong with
good conversation?
JILL
You seem nice, you’re witty, you
listen. Why don’t have a girlfriend?
HANNAH
Come on, Jill. Women don’t like
good guys.
MAX
Good guys finish last. I should know.
HANNAH
We fall for the bad guys.
MAX
Then women get upset when they
realize they really are bad.
HANNAH
Then you marry them, thinking you
can change them. Only they get
worse. I should know. I married
two of them. Divorced both their
bad mugs…At separate times, just
to be clear.
Hannah sighs.
HANNAH (cont’d)
When you marry for better or
worse, I find the bad guys go
straight to worse.
JILL
Well, I have the perfect boyfriend
in Lucas.
HANNAH
Who forgot your birthday.
JILL
OK, almost perfect. I say there are
good guys who come in first.
MAX
If a good guy is with you, then he
definitely came in first.
JILL
He’s sweet, handsome, and he’s
good in bed.
HANNAH
Ah, you said he doesn’t listen to
you.
JILL
I’ll exchange good in bed for listening.
HANNAH
So you got the last of the available good
guys.
JILL
A little bad can be good.
MAX
I guess I should work on being more of
a bad guy.
HANNAH
Max does a great impression of a really,
really bad guy.
MAX
Yeah, I just throw together some of the
things I’ve seen there.
HANNAH
Do some.
Max does an impression of being drunk.
MAX
Hey, baby, which tit is your favorite
to be licked?
Jill laughs.
JILL
Well, that could get you noticed.
MAX
Seriously, that was how the guy was
introducing himself to women.
JILL
That is a bit forward.
Max speaks in a loud and cruise voice.
MAX
Spread your legs and let the air condition
cool your hotness.
HANNAH
We do have good air conditioning.
JILL
That’s a weird line.
MAX
You’re smoking hot. Let me take your
clothes off before they catch fine.
JILL
A little less crude.
MAX
I’ve heard lots of these lines. What
worries me is when they work, that
only encourages guys to remain bad.
JILL
You perform well as a bad guy.
MAX
Anytime you need a bad guy, let
me. I do parties, weddings, funerals.
JILL
I’ll keep that in mind.
INT. JILL’S APARTMENT - DAY
Jill has an expensive and luxurious apartment.
LUCAS TOOKUS, a handsome twenty-something male sits on the edge of the bad getting dressed.
DEB MAYFLOWER, a fifty-something prostitute wearing seductive clothing, sits on the edge of the bed getting dressed.
Lucas hands Deb some money.
LUCAS
I’ll see you again next week.
DEB
You better. Remember, if you
need to cancel, I need a day’s
notice.
LUCAS
You know I’ll never cancel on you.
DEB
Knowing your, ah, fetish for mature
women, how do you deal with a
girlfriend your own age?
LUCAS
She has money. That makes anything
sweeter.
DEB
Good luck with your younger chick.
LUCAS
Maybe in time I’ll find a way to love
her.
DEB
Maybe you will when she hits middle
age.
LUCAS
I intend to keep this good life going.
DEB
As long as you can afford me, who
am I to judge?
LUCAS
We’re late. Jill will be back any
second.
Deb finishes dressing.
Deb stands.
DEB
Don’t worry. Tell her I’m delivering
a package.
Lucas puts on two different color shoes on his feet.
Lucas finishes dressing.
Lucas stands.
LUCAS
What if she asks where the package
is?
Deb grabs Lucas’s crotch.
DEB
You tell her it is right her.
Deb turns and exits.
Jill enters as Deb exits.
JILL
Hi, dear. Who was that?
LUCAS
She was, ah,delivering a package.
JILL
Oh, where is it?
LUCAS
She had the wrong address.
Jill is confused as she mentally processes the situation.
JILL
Oh. I didn’t see her carrying a
package.
LUCAS
She, ah, had it inside her pants.
JILL
Oh.
LUCAS
Well, I am off for a job interview.
JILL
Good luck.
LUCAS
I want to impress your parents.
I fear they think I am nothing
but a sponge.
JILL
Don’t worry about my parents.
They trust my judgement. I am
their only child.
LUCAS
I want to made a good impression
on them. Put the best food forward.
JILL
In that case, you shouldn’t wear two
different kinds of shoes.
INT. RODRIGUEZ INCORPORATED OFFICES - DAY
A sign in the lobby reads “Rodriguez Incorporated”.
MARTY WATERS, a middle age man dressed in a three piece suit fitting a corporate executive, speaks with his daughter Jill.
Marty walks from the lobby down a hallway snacking from a bag of baked cookies.
Jill walks from the lobby down the same hallway.
Marty offers Jill a cookie.
MARTY
Want one?
Jill takes the cookie and eats the cookie.
JILL
Fresh baked. You do love your
sweets.
MARTY
Your mother and I look forward to
meeting LucIfer, I mean, Lucas.
JILL
He’s looking forward to meeting you,
although with about as much nervousness
as the Titanic had in meeting an iceberg.
MARTY
So his occupation remains…none?
JILL
You know the job market is tight.
MARTY
He can’t find anything?
JILL
He’s been looking, honest.
MARTY
He could work here.
JILL
You know this is not his field.
MARTY
He seems to be far afield from
any field.
JILL
He’s trying his best.
MARTY
That’s my worry. Look, Jill, your
mother and I want you to be
happy.
JILL
I’m a grown woman.
MARTY
You’re a woman with wealth.
There are men who see the
wealth as more important
than the woman with it.
JILL
Dad, Lucas is wonderful. If
you think Lucas has faults,
you should see what else is
out there.
MARTY
Actually, I would.
JILL
Then we don’t I invite
another couple to join us?
MARTY
That’s fine with me. Go ahead.
Invite another couple in your
age group to also spend a
week in our home. We certainly
have enough room.
JILL
You usually are not this this quick
to agree to something I ask.
MARTY
I really want to understand your
generation. What is dating really
like for people your age?
JILL
I don’t understand.
MARTY
I don’t believe Lucas is good for
you. I want to see it. I want to
see how he acts around others.
I also want to see what other
couples your age group are like.
I bet all those other guys are not
as bad as you think. I bet other guys
are just as nice, and employed as
they were when I was your age.
INT. HANNAH’S DINNER - NIGHT
Hannah works behind the counter.
Max sits at the counter eating a salad and drinking a coffee.
Jill enters.
JILL
Good, you’re both here.
HANNAH
I gotta be here. It’s my place.
MAX
I also have to be here The food
sucks next door.
HANNAH
Thank you for the rating above
“sucks”.
JILL
How would you both love a week
vacation in a mansion? Golf, horse
back riding, swimming, pool, free
of charge.
HANNAN
Nah, I’ve no interest in any time
share.
JILL
No, its my house. Well, where I
grew up. Its my parent’s house.
MAX
Thank you, but why us?
JILL
Well, there is one catch.
HANNAH
I knew it. Its a time share.
JILL
No. Your stay would be totally
free. Meals included. The catch
is I want you to pretend to be a
couple.
HANNAH
Why?
JILL
I want Max to do his bad boyfriend
routine the whole week.
MAX
I was just joking when I said I was
available for events.
JILL
Look, I’m in love with my boyfriend
Lucas. Only my dad doesn’t like
that I kind of support him.
HANNAH
Kind of?
JILL
OK, I pay for everything.
MAX
So you want us to also leech off
you? Do you often let others take
advantage of you?
JILL
I’m bringing Lucas to meet my
parents. We’ll also be staying. My
dad is letting me bring some friends,
along. You know, the more, the
merrier.
MAX
So why do you want me to be a bad
boyfriend?
HANNAH
At least I’d be used to that.
HANNAH
I want to show my dad that guys
out there today are all jerks. When
he sees that, he’ll realize what a
great catch Lucas is.
MAX
Please let me get this straight. You
are only inviting us along because
you want us to deceive your parents?
HANNAH
Sounds good to me. You have to let
me do some of the cooking.
MAX
If Hannah’s cooking, I’m in.
HANNAH
Sounds fun. What could possibly go
wrong?
INT. WATERS MANSION - DAY
Marty opens the door.
ROSA WATERS, a middle aged Latino woman with natural black hair and 36D breasts, stands beside her husband Marty.
Jill and Lucas enter wearing casual clothes.
JILL
Mom, Dad, this is Lucas.
Marty shakes hands with Lucas.
MARTY
Call me Marty.
ROSA
Call me Rosa.
Lucas turns to Rosa and stretches out his arms.
LUCAS
Bring it here, Rosa.
Lucas hugs Rosa tightly for several seconds.
Rosa blushes with embarrassment over the lengthy hug.
ROSA
Oh, my. You’re a hugger.
Rosa pushes away from the hug with Lucas, breaking it off.
Lucas turns to Marty.
LUCAS
So is Marty short for Martin?
MARTY
No, my real first name is Alexander
I got the nickname Marty in school
because I am very smart.
LUCAS
I’ll nickname you Marty Pants.
ROSA
Rosa is short for Rosalinda. I guess
I’m not that smart.
Lucas turns to Rosa.
LUCAS
You look right smart to me.
MARTY
Lucas, you will have the guest room
that is upstairs, second on the left.
JILL
Dad, he can stay in my room. I
mean, we are living together.
MARTY
When you’re under my roof, there
will none of the that until after the
pre-nup.
ROSA
Oh, your dad is being silly.
Rosa leans towards Lucas and whispers.
ROSA (cont’d)
There’s an adjoining door between
your rooms.
MARTY
Which I have locked.
The doorbell rings.
Marty answers the door.
Hannah enters wearing casual clothes.
Max enters wearing a torn “Eat and Poop Out the Rich” t-shirt.
HANNAH
Hi, we’re Hannah and Max.
MAX
Now, guess which one of us is
which.
ROSA
Welcome to our house.
MARTY
It is nice to meet some of Jill’s
friends.
MAX
Dude, this joint is wicked bigly.
I bet your weekly heating bill
is more than our monthly rent.
HANNAH
Please forgive. Guys today
are so rude.
MAX
I bet your shoelaces cost more
than my entire wardrobe.
Max snickers at his own joke.
No one else snickers as they stare at him.
MARTY
Your room is upstairs, third room on
the left.
JILL
How come they get their own room
together? They’re not married, either.
MARTY
Simple. They are not dating my
daughter.
INT. FORMAL DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Marty, Rosa, Jill, Lucas, Hannah, and Max sit at an expensive table in an eloquent room eating dinner.
Max guzzles some beer.
YOGI BEHR, a butler, places a pot roast on the table.
CARRIE NATHANS, a butler, places a plate of vegetables on the table.
ROSA
It is nice you could all join us for
dinner.
Max burps very loudly.
Max stands, holding his glass of beer.
MAX
I want to propose a toast.
HANNAH
Max, you don’t drink.
MAX
When in Rome, do what the
Romans do. I mean, does the
Pope poop in the woods?
HANNAH
No, he doesn’t.
MAX
It’s one for the money, two for
the show, three to get ready,
and four to drop those panties.
Max guzzles some beer.
Max sits.
ROSA
My…how…colorful.
MARTY
So, Lucas, how is the job search
going?
JILL
Dad…
LUCAS
No, Jill, its alright. I know is is
taking awhile, but I have lots of
good leads
MARTY
But no actual offers…
ROSA
So, Max, what do you do?
MAX
I keep my ears open. If there is
a dishonest buck to be made and
a sucker somewhere, I’m there.
HANNAH
I own and operate my own bar
and restaurant. In fact, please let
me cook some meals It would
actually be a pleasure.
MARTY
I’d love to see what you cook up.
MAX
Hannah here is cooking in the
kitchen and in the bedroom.
MARTY
Rosa here was a great cook
when we were dating After we
married, well, I guess she let
those skills go by the wayside.
ROSA
There were lots of things you
used to do when we were dating
that diminished over time.
MARTY
Hannah, I love you hair.
ROSA
Marty had a thing for redheads in
your wild youth. I was a redhead
when we were dating.
MARTY
She ran out of dye bottles after
we married.
ROSA
You ran out of gas shortly after
we got married.
MAX
Hey, no worries here about Hannah.
The carpet matches the drapes, if
you get my drift.
ROSA
Oh, no, I assure you, I do not know
what you mean, even if I do. I am
a lady.
Marty turns to Rosa.
MARTY
You haven’t been a lady for years now.
MAX
Hey, I’m not picky. Frankly, your hair
is lovely, Rosa. And your daughter’s
hair is just beautiful. Great hair must
run in the family. That includes you,
too, pops, except, of course, I don’t
swing in that direction. Sorry if you
were interested.
Max stares intently at Rosa.
ROSA
Oh, my, Max is something wrong?
Do I have food stuck in my teeth?
MAX
Nah, I was just trying to figure something
out. Your right boob is bigger than your
left one, right?
HANNAH
Max, that is not proper dinner talk!
MAX
With Hannah, its her right boob that
is bigger, as well.
LUCAS
With Hannah, its the left boob.
JILL
LUCAS!
MARTY
This is most inappropriate!
ROSA
Calm down, Marty, this is just
how kids talk today.
MARTY
How would you know?
ROSA
Lighten up. We were young once.
You used to like it when I talked
like that.
Lucas turns to Jill.
LUCAS
You should listen to your mother
and lighten up, as well.
JILL
I have no idea what you are talking
about.
Lucas points at Jill.
LUCAS
This one won’t take it up the butt.
Marty angrily stands.
MARTY
I DECLARE!
Rosa pulls Marty to sit in his chair.
ROSA
Don’t be a square. There once was
a time you liked that, too…Once.
MAX
Look, I’m sorry. I was trying to lighten
the mood, get things casual. It went
a bit too far. I apologize. It’s all my fault.
MARTY
Apology accepted.
MAX
I was nervous, steering the conversation
the wrong way. Marty and Rosa, you have
a wonderful daughter. She deserves the
best. Lucas is a great guy, a terrific friend.
So let me toast the couple of the hour,
Jill and Lucas.
Lucas raises his beer glass towards Jill.
LUCAS
To the best blowjobs ever.
INT. MAX AND HANNAH’S GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT
Max and Hannah, both fully dressed, begin to slowly undress.
MAX
There’s only one bed.
HANNAH
Well, they think we’re a couple.
MAX
Don’t worry, I’ll be a perfect
gentleman.
HANNAH
You better be. Oh, and for the
record, my left boob is bigger,
not that you’ll ever get to verify
that.
Max turns facing away from Hannah.
Max takes his pants off.
MAX
I’ll look the other way while your
undress.
HANNAH
Good. Although, I might…
Hannah turns her head and watches Max pull his pants down.
HANNAH (cont’d)
Hey, cute buns.
Max quickly pulls his pants back up.
EXT. OUTSIDE OF HORSE STABLES - DAY
Hannah, Max, Lucas, Jill, Marty, and Rosa, all wearing riding outfits, looks at horses in the stables.
HANNAH
Oh, my, these horses are looking
bigger when you’re closer to them.
MAX
You don’t have to ride.
HANNAH
They didn’t offer horseback riding
in my public school.
MAX
Nor mine
LUCAS
Its like riding a bicycle.
JILL
How is it even close to riding a
bicycle?
LUCAS
Well, instead of pedaling, you use
a riding crop. Just like when I
need to get Jill started while she
rides me.
ROSA
Oh, my.
Marty’s face turns red with anger.
MARTY
You remember that’s my daughter.
Max stumbles in attempting to divert the discussion.
MAX
Hannah, here, loves…chains…
and feathers…and…
HANNAH
Feathers? You better be talking
about dusting.
Max whispers to Hannah.
MAX
I’m doing my best here/ Play
along.
Hannah speaks in a loud voice playing along.
HANNAH
Sometimes, I like the whole
chicken.
Marty, Max, Jill, Rosa, and Lucas stare confused at Hannah.
HANNAH (cont’d)
I’m sorry. I don’t even know what that
means. I would never hurt an animal.
LUCAS
You know, one time, I was with Jill,
and I took an entire frozen chicken
leg and I….
HANNAH
Baked it for you. I remember that.
MARTY
I love baked chicken. Its been
years since I had me some good
baked chicken.
MAX
One time, I took a baked chicken
with Hannah…and…I…sorry,
I have nothing.
LUCAS
Here, let me show everyone how
this is done.
Lucas mounts a horse.
The horse bucks, throwing Lucas off it.
Lucas lands on top of pile of horse manure.
Lucas rises with an angry face.
Lucas raises his riding whip and extends his arm to strike the horse.
LUCAS
Why, you stupid…
Max runs to Lucas.
Max grabs Lucas’s hand to stop Lucas from striking the horse.
MAX
There, there. We know you are
joking. Lucas never loses his temper.
He’s just a little shaken, and a bit
smelly.
Jill, Lucas, Hannah, Max, Rosa, and Marty all mounts horses.
Jill, Lucas, Hannah, Max, Rosa,and Marty ride their horses.
Hannah turns to Max.
HANNAH
The silence is deafening.
Max slows his horse until he and Jill ride beside each other.
MAX
I’m sorry. I’m trying to prove to your
parents that our generation is
full of deviant guys. Who knew
Lucas was our muse.
JILL
To be fair, its not just the males.
I do like the sting of a riding crop
now and then.
MAX
Sure. At long as it is mutually
consensual.
JILL
Well, usually….
Jill increases the speed of her horse and she rides past Max
Rosa rides her horse so it is beside Lucas.
ROSA
I am sorry. Jill can be a stick in
the mud. Her father raised her to
be prim and proper, and a virgin
even after she gives childbirth.
LUCAS
That’s alright. She’s a good lay.
ROSA
She was raised with a stick up her
butt, just as her father wanted.
LUCAS
Hey, no biggie.
ROSA
I used to have a stick up my butt,
too. Then I learned to enjoy life.
Sadly, the stick grew back due
to lack of careful gardening.
LUCAS
I am sorry to hear that.
ROSA
I am sure I will find a man who
will remove the stick and replace
it with…
Rosa’s horse suddenly runs forward.
LUCAS
You are talking about your husband,
right?
Marty rides his horse so he is beside Hannah.
MARTY
It is good to see a woman willing
to both work and still find time to
cook for her man.
ROSA
Its what I love.
MARTY
I am glad to hear that. Too many
people are unhappy with their
jobs. Unhappy with their lives.
Even people who don't work much
are often unhappy.
HANNAH
Oh, no, Lucas is very happy
with his life.
MARTY
I wasn’t talking about him.
HANNAH
Sorry.
MARTY
Are you and Max happy?
HANNAH
Sure. Although, to be honest, we
really haven’t been dating that long?
MARTY
Oh?
HANNAH
We’re not, really, what I would call,
serious.
MARTY
Good to know.
Marty guides his horse to ride ahead of Hannah.
HANNAH
Know what?
EXT, SWIMMING POOL - DAY
A fancy swimming pool is outside the Waters mansion.
Max removes his robe.
Marty wears expensive old time swimming trunks.
Rosa removes her robe.
Rosa wears an expensive one piece sum suit.
Hannah removes her robe.
Hannah wears a thong.
Marty stares at Hannah.
Max removes his robe.
Max wears a thong.
Jill stares at Max.
Jill removes her robe.
Jill wears a two piece bathing suit.
Max stares at Jill.
Lucas removes his robe.
Lucas wears a thong.
Marty, Rosa, Hannah, Max, Jill, and Lucas dive into the pool water.
MAX
Oh, dear, my bathing suit seems to
have come off.
Jill spots Max’s bathing suit as it surfaces.
JILL
I’ve got it.
Jill grabs the swim suit with her right hand.
Jill lowers her right hand holding the swim suit into the water and moves it towards Max.
JILL (cont’d)
Here you go.
MAX
Ah, that’s not my hand.
Jill giggles.
JILL
Oops.
LUCAS
That gives me a great idea!
Let’s all swim naked!
Lucas holds his bathing suit in his hand.
Jill, Max, Hannah, and Marry all dry heave.
ROSA
That sounds splendid.
MARTY
ROSA!
ROSA
I mean, splendidly not.
You put that dental floss
back on, young man!
Lucas whispers to Rosa.
LUCAS
I love it when an older
woman orders me around
MARTY
Good, then get a job!
LUCAS
I said woman, not dude.
INT. MAX AND HANNAH'S ROOM - NIGHT
HANNAH
I don’t know how much we’re
helping.
MAX
I am running out of ideas
to denigrate my fellow males.
I think this is an actual violation
of the international bro code.
I may be denied entry into
beer halls around the world.
HANNAH
Maybe it is not our place to
help out. Its not like Marty
is being unreasonable.
MAX
Yes, but we have to help out
Jill.
HANNAH
How much do we really know
about Lucas? I mean, I wouldn’t
date him.
MAX
I thought you liked bad buys.
HANNAH
Yeah, but not bad buys who are bad
at being bad.
MAX
He’s unintentionally doing what I
intentionally am doing.
JILL
Well, I wouldn’t date you either.
You are pathetic at being bad.
MAX
Just for that, no more free peaks.
I’m turning the lights off when I
undress.
INT. WATERS MANSION HALLWAY - NIGHT
The sound of a toilet flushing is heard.
Lucas wearing just underpants emerges from the bathroom.
Rosa, wearing a robe, emerges from her bedroom.
LUCAS
Oh!
ROSA
Sorry to startle you. I heard a
noise and wanted to make sure
it was not a burglar.
LUCAS
It’s just me. Sorry about the smell.
ROSA
No worry. We all have to go, even
the Pope when he's in the woods.
LUCAS
Well, good night.
ROSA
I am glad you weren’t a burglar.
I could have mistook you for one
and beaten you with a baseball
bat. We wouldn’t want that. A
riding crop, maybe.
Lucas blushes.
LUCAS
Well…see you in the morning. Nice
robe,
ROSA
Nice underpants.
Rosa giggles suggestively.
Lucas exits to his bedroom.
Rosa exits to her bedroom.
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
Lucas, Jill, Max, Hannah, Rosa, and Marty are dressed in golfing clothing wth each carrying a golf cart full of golf clubs.
Lucas swings a golf club and hits a golf ball off a tee.
Lucas turns to Marty.
LUCAS
In your face, old man. My ball went
further than yours.
ROSA
I’m sure it does
MARY
Your turn, Hannah.
Marty places a golf ball on top of a golf tee.
HANNAH
I’ve never swung a golf club before.
Marty walks to stand behind Hannah.
Marty grabs Hannah’s hands and guides them into golfing position.
MARTY
You grab a club like this.
Marty grabs Hannah’s legs and places them into golfing positions.
MARTY (cont’d)
You place your feet like this.
Marry guides Hannah’s hands into a golfing position.
MARTY (cont’d)
You bring your arms up like this.
Marty puts his body closer to Hannah’s body.
Marty brushes against Hannah’s breasts while guiding her hands.
Marty breathes heavily as Hannah’s hands are stuck in an upward pre-swing stance.
HANNAH
Now what?
MARTY
Now you give it all you got.
Marty steps back.
Hannah swings and misses the golf ball
HANNAH
I missed.
MARTY
Just this time. You’ll connect
soon enough.
EXT. NATURE TRAIL - DAY
Marty, Max, Lucas, Rosa, Jill, and Hannah wear hiking outfits.
MARTY
There’s nothing like a hike through
nature.
LUCAS
Yeah, if you like bug bites and poison
ivy.
MARTY
You need to appreciate the beauty of
nature, Lucas. Some of the best things
are available for free.
LUCAS
Don’t I know it. Don’t buy the cow when
the milk is free.
MARTY
Do you keep forgetting that I am the
father?
LUCAS
Not at all. I remember that you are an
insensitive lout who shows no respect
for me, and no respect for your wife.
MAX
I think what Lucas means is the sun is
making him dehydrated and he doesn’t
know what he is saying.
HANNAH
No, Marty has a point. Lucas, you don’t
like working You don’t like nature. What
do you like?
LUCAS
I like Jill. I like Jill a lot.
JILL
Like? I that all? Like?
LUCAS
Of course I mean I’m in love with you.
JILL
In love?
LUCAS
Love. In love. Like. Its all the same,
right?
JILL
No, its not.
LUCAS
Jill, you take things and always blow them
out of proportion.
JILL
Whether you love me is not something
blown out of proportion.
LUCAS
Hey, Jill, you know I like you more than
anything…
JILL
You still can’t say it.
Max looks happily towards Jill.
MAX
Its alright, Jill. We men often have difficulty
coming out with the right words. I don’t
know why that is. It just is. I mean, I’d like
to say I love, but, some machine in that
brain just prevents me from saying what
I really want to say.
HANNAH
That’s alright. I know what you mean.
Hannah looks at Marty.
HANNAH (cont’d)
Sometimes saying what you’re thinking
could only make the situation more
complicated.
INT. WATERS MANSION KITCHEN - NIGHT
Hannah tiptoes into the room.
Marty tiptoes into the room.
Marty turns on the dimmer light.
MARTY
I feel so naughty.
HANNAH
We have to be quiet.
MARTY
i have to confess…I haven’t done
this in years
HANNAH
Like Lucas said. Its like riding
a bicycle. So sit back and enjoy.
MARTY
I hope no one wakes up.
HANNAH
I’ll dim the lights.
Hannah dims the light on the dimmer light switch.
MARTY
I haven’t felt this excited since I
was a school boy.
HANNAH
Now, close your eyes and let
me guide you.
Marty closes his eyes.
Hannah guides Marty to the kitchen table.
HANNAH (cont’d)
Come and get it.
There is a table cloth covering a bulge on the table.
Hannah removes the table cloth exposed a large plate of baked chicken.
Marty opens his eyes.
Marty is very happy and smiling.
HANNAH (cont’d)
Ta da!
INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING
Max, Rosa, Lucas, Jill, Max, and Hannah sit at the dining table.
The dining table has coffee, cream, sugar, fruit, and yogurt on it.
Yogi delivers a large plate of eggs to the dining table.
Carrie delivers a large plate of bagels tot the dining table.
ROSA
Do I smell chicken?
Marty giggles while looking at Hannah.
Hannah giggles while looking at Marty.
LUCAS
I don’t see any chicken. Smells
like chicken.
ROSA
What’s so funny?
MARTY
You think the eggs smell
like chicken.
LUCAS
Actually, they are, sort of,
miniature chickens.
MAX
Which came first, the chicken
or the egg?
JILL
The egg. There can’t have been
a chicken without there first
being an egg.
MARTY
Yes, but maybe the first chicken
who first laid an egg was born by
a means other than hatching from
an egg.
LUCAS
All I know is this morning, I came
first!
Jill blushes and bows her head ashamed.
Lucas points towards Jill.
LUCAS (cont’d)
This one takes forever to come.
I mean, who has that much time?
Marty’s face is red with anger.
MARTY
I thought I locked that door between your
rooms.
LUCAS
You do know we can figure out going
through the hallway doors.
MARTY
I don’t want to hear it.
Rosa turns to Marty.
ROSA
You don’t want to do it.
Marty turns to Jill.
MARTY
I should buy you a chastity belt.
ROSA
You can give her one.
Marty turns to Rosa.
MARTY
We shouldn’t be discussing such
things in front of the children.
ROSA
Children? They are adults. Isn’t
their generation more open to
everything? Feels free to say
what they like? Not like our
generation that bottles it all
inside letting it fester while
things go sour.
MAX
Wow, these bagels are good.
MARTY
Have another bagel. Your
generation is one that takes what
it wants and expects us to give
them everything they want or
else their precious egos will be
hurt. We can’t have that, can we?
MAX
One bagel is fine.
Rosa turns to Marty.
ROSA
Your just jealous because the
young know how to enjoy life
while our generation lives in
guilt and shame and enjoys
nothing.
MAX
You should enjoy a bagel.
MARTY
Our generation doesn’t get to
enjoy anything because we had
to work hard to survive to make
this a better place for the next
generation, only the next generation
takes all we did for them without
appreciating it.
MAX
Ah, well, thank you.
ROSA
I worked hard to make this a better
world for my child. Well, guess what,
it worked, Now them enjoy this
better world.
MARTY
But they didn’t do anything to
deserve it. I don’t want my daughter
ending up with a deadbeat.
ROSA
Deadbeat? Lucas, you know why
Marty doesn’t like you?
LUCAS
Because I’m more handsome?
ROSA
No.
LUCAS
Because I put my penis inside his
daughter?
ROSA
Because Marty is you. My parents
built our business. Marty married me
for my money. Marty worked some
token jobs under my parents, yet he
never worked hard. I basically
supported him our entire marriage.
Jill, your dad knows how this story
ends. Lucas is only going to make
you as unhappy as your father
makes me.
Rosa bursts into tears.
Rosa stands.
Rosa runs out the room.
There is an awkward silence at the table.
Max holds up a bagel.
MAX
Seriously, these…
HANNAH
You mention those bagels one more
time, I’ll cut your dick off.
INT. YOGA INSTRUCTION ROOM - DAY
Yogi leads yoga instruction.
Max, Rosa, Marty, Jill, Lucas, and Hannah are in a yoga pose.
Lucas whispers to Rosa.
LUCAS
The butler is a yoga instructor?
YOGI
Yes. One can be multi-talented
and handle several jobs.
Marty turns his head towards Lucas.
MARTY
You should try handling one job.
ROSA
Yogi is a great instructor.
LUCAS
The yoga instructor’s name in Yogi?
JILL
It is. His parents were huge Yankees
fans.
LUCAS
Yogi the yoga master,
Jill stifles laughing.
YOGI
Meditate. No laughter.
JILL
Laughter and relaxing don’t mix.
LUCAS
At least he wasn’t named Yoda.
Jill laughs.
Marty whispers to Hannah such that only Hannah can hear Marty.
MARTY
I love your baked chicken.
Hannah whispers to Marty such that only Marty can hear Hannah.
HANNAH
I can please you with more than
baking you chicken.
MARTY
What are you saying?
HANNAH
I can make your whole body spin
with delight.
MARTY
You don’t mean what I think you
mean, do you?
HANNAH
That’s right Tonight, I’m going to
let you get…filet mignon.
Lucas whispers to Rosa such that only Rosa can hear Hannah.
LUCAS
You really told your husband off
at breakfast.
Rosa whispers to Lucas such that only Lucas can hear Rosa.
ROSA
I shouldn’t of…in front of everyone.
LUCAS
It was so…domineering.
ROSA
One thing is true. You are just like
Marty when he was your age.
LUCAS
Oh?
ROSA
I like that in a man.
YOGI
Why does everyone talk and no one
relax? You’re al so tense. I don’t
know what is wrong with all of
you. Maybe you all need to get
laid.
Carrie enters wearing a Boston Red Sox hat.
Yogi stands up with disgust in his face.
YOGI
That’s it. I’m retiring to my suite
with my wife. And, yes, a Yankees
fan can be married to a Red Sox
fan. Now you all work out your
differences.
MARTY
Maybe we should all adjourn to
our theater room.
INT. THEATER ROOM - DAY
Marty, Rosa, Jill, Max, Lucas, and Hannah sit watching a viewing of “Leon Tchaikovsky’s Los Angeles Can Do Better” with dialogue from that heard in the background.
Jill sits next to Lucas.
Lucas sits next to Rosa.
Rosa sits next to Marty.
Marty sits next to Hannah.
Hannah sits next to Max.
Yogi sits behind Max.
Carrie sits next to Yogi.
Jill and Lucas share eating from a large popcorn.
Rosa and Marty share eating from a large popcorn
Hannah and Max share eating from a large popcorn.
Hannah, looking forward watching the move, grabs popcorn from Marty’s popcorn.
Rosa, looking forward watching the movie, grabs popcorn from Lucas’s popcorn.
Marty, looking forward watching the movies, grabs popcorn from Hannah’s popcorn.
Jill pulls out a box of Milk Duds.
JILL
Milk duds?
Max waves affirmatively towards Jill.
Jill passes the Milk Duds box to Lucas.
Lucas passed the Milk Duds box o Rosa.
Rosa passes the Milk Duds box to Marty.
Marty passes the Milk Duds box to Hannah.
Hannah passes the Milk Duds box to Max.
Max removes some Milk Duds box from the box.
MAX
Thank you.
YOGI
Do you talk through everything?
INT. DANCE RECITAL HALL - INT.
Max, Hannah, Jill, Lucas, Marty, Rosa, Carrie, and Yogi are dressed in country western outfits.
Max and Hannah stand on one side of a square of people.
Jill and Lucas stand on one side of a square of people.
Marty and Rosa stand on one side of a square of people.
Yogi and Carrie stand on one side of a square of people.
CARRIE
The first thing you do is bow to your
partners.
Hannah bows towards Marty.
Marty bows towards Hannah.
Rosa bows towards Lucas.
Lucas bows towards Rosa.
Jill stands still.
Max stands still.
Carrie bows towards Yogi.
Yogi bows towards Carrie.
CARRIE (cont’d)
No! That’s bowing to your corners.
That comes later.
Carrie looks at Max.
Carrie looks at Jill.
CARRIE (cont’d)
And I don’t even know what you two
are doing.
EXT. POOL - DAY
Hanna, Max, Rosa, Marty, and Lucas swim in the water.
Jill rests on a beach chair.
A telephone rings.
JILL
Lucas, that’s your phone.I’ll get it.
Jill answers the phone.
JILL (cont’d)
Hello, this is Lucas’s phone.
Jill listens.
JILL (cont’d)
No, Lucas is out of town today.
Jill listens.
JILL (cont’d)
I’ll tell him. How much is that?
Jill listens.
JILL (cont’d)
Bye.
LUCAS
Who was that.
JILL
It was that delivery woman. What
did you order that has such a
large cancellation price?
INT. GERRY’S TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
The visual of this scene is dream-like.
GERRY STINGER, a television host, walks around the stage.
Jill sits in a chair.
GERRY
Jill, what brings you on our show?
JILL
I’m here to propose marriage to my
boyfriend, Lucas.
GERRY
Lucas is backstage watching.
Let’s bring him out.
Lucas walks onto the stage.
LUCAS
I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you.
JILL
Why not?
LUCAS
Because I’m in love with Rosa.
GERRY
Who is Rosa?
JILL
That’s my mom!
Jill rises from her chair.
Jill walks over and slaps Lucas.
Rosa walks on stage.
Jill and Rosa wrestle in anger.
GERRY
Who is Marty?
ROSA
That’s my husband.
JILL
And my father.
GERRY
Let’s bring out Marty.
Marty walks on stage.
Marty and Lucas wrestle in anger.
GERRY
So, Marty what are you
feeling right now?
MARTY
Actually, I’m fine. Because
I’m in love with Hannah.
JILL
That’s my best friend.
GERRY
Let’s bring out Hannah.
Hannah enters the stage.
Jill and Hannah wrestle in anger.
GERRY (cont’d)
Hannah, how do you feel about
Marty?
HANNAH
Well, I kind of have a boyfriend,
Max.
GERRY
Let’s bring out Max.
Max enters the stage.
GERRY (cont’d)
Max, how do you feel about
Marty chasing after your
girlfriend?
MAX
That’s OK, because I’m in
love with Jill.
Hannah slaps Max.
MAX (cont’d)
I mean, Hannah and I were
never really meant to be a
couple.
ROSA
If I could just interrupt and
say I want my Gerry beads.
Rosa raises her blouse and shows off her breasts.
INT. CARRIE AND YOGI’S SUITE - NIGHT
Carrie and Yogi are sleeping in a bed.
1
Carrie quickly awakes startled.
CARRIE
Augh!
Yogi slowly awakens.
YOGI
Another nightmare?
CARRIE
It was another one of those
Gerry Show nightmares.
YOGI
Go back to sleep. You’re
always imaging things.
INT. MANSION LIBRARY - DAY
Marty looks at antiquarian books.
Hannah stands besides Marty looking at the same books.
MARTY
Hannah, I’d like to show you
my Shakespeare collection.
HANNAH
Get me to a nunnery, then.
Marty escorts Hannah to a far end of the library.
Hannah follows Marty.
Rosa enters the library through a door in the center of the library.
Lucas walks beside Rosa.
ROSA
Lucas, I want to show you our
O Henry first editions.
LUCAS
I’m actually more interested in
seeing your Shakespeare…
ROSA
No, I want you to explore O Henry,
and then I want to explore O Lucas.
LUCAS
Oh my.
Rosa escorts Lucas to the other end of the library.
Lucas walks beside Rosa.
At the other end of the library, Hannah points at some Shakespeare books.
HANNAH
To be, or not to be.
MARTY
We are soon to be.
Marty and Hannah kiss passionately.
Marty and Hannah make love standing up, banging against the book shelves.
Books fall from the shelves.
Rosa and Lucas kiss passionately.
Rosa and Lucas lay on the floor.
Lucas pulls his pants down.
Lucas and Rosa make love.
Lucas kicks a book shelf causing a book to fall off besides his head.
Lucas looks at the book.
LUCAS
I hope this one has a happy ending.
Jill enters the library through the center door.
Max enters the library besides Jill.
Jill looks up and down the bookshelves while standing near the door.
JILL
No, I don’t see anyone in here.
MAX
I wonder where everyone slipped
away to.
Jill exits into the hallway.
Max exists into the hallway.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
JILL
I need you to step us your bad
boyfriend game.
MAX
Lucas may not be winning over
your dad, but I have a feeling
he’s getting through to your
mother.
JILL
Max can be crude. I mean, I
hope he doesn’t do something
crass, like pull his pants down
in front of my mother.
MAX
I’m sure Lucas would never do
that.
JILL
Lucas has a strange sense of humor,
which I find endearing, but I know
it can easily offend others.
Rosa exits the library into the hallway with disheveled clothing.
Lucas exits the library into the hallway with disheveled clothing.
Jill nudges Max.
Max turns towards Rosa.
MAX
Hey, toots, what’s shaking, besides
that milkshake of yours?
LUCAS
Hey, her milkshake shakes just fine.
Jill slaps her forehead and looks disgusted at Lucas.
JILL
Oh, no.
Jill whispers towards Max.
JILL
Say something worse, quick.
MAX
So, Rosa, I never ask a woman
her age. So, what’s your bra size.
ROSA
36 D.
LUCAS
Hey, Jill, maybe in time you’ll grow
nice honkers like your mom has.
Jill is astonished.
Jill nudges Max.
Jill whispers to Max.
JILL
This is going worse than I feared.
MAX
So, Rosa, ever do it with another
woman because, that would be,
like, hot.
Lucas looks at Max.
LUCAS
Yeah, she went 69 on your mother.
ROSA
No, I don’t swing that way. What
I like is a good, sturdy man.
Someone who can keep going
all night, and again some more
the next day.
JILL
Mom, don’t talk about dad like
that…
ROSA
I wasn’t talking about…
LUCAS
My, l got to go pee.
JILL
Go then. No one is stopping
you.
Lucas walks away.
JILL (cont’d)
Mom, I’m so sorry. Lucas is
just nervous. He doesn’t know
how to act around you.
ROSA
He seems to know exactly what
he is doing.
Rosa walks away.
Jill turns to Max.
MAX
Well, your mom hates Lucas.
Let’s see if I can get your father
to like him.
JILL
Let’s go find him. He’s probably
fiddling around poking at
something somewhere.
Marty exits the library.
Marty sees Jill and Max.
Marty quickly shuts the library door.
Marty stands against the library door so it will not open.
The door opens slightly.
Marty pushes the door closed.
JILL (cont’d)
There you are. Dad, I was just
wondering. What do you think
of Lucas?
MARTY
He is vulgar.
MAX
You got to be vulgar to keep
these broads in line.
MARTY
You know, Max, I was wondering.
What you really think of Hannah.
Is she happy?
MAX
Hey, who cares, right? Its Hannah’s
job to keep me happy. If not, I’ll
exchange her for a younger model.
MARTY
That’s not nice.
JILL
Lucas would never say anything like
that.
MAX
Hey, Jill is a fine catch. Lucas knows
that. The rest of us guys, we know
to always look out for number one.
MARTY
Max, Hannah is a wonderful woman.
Why do you disrespect her? You
don’t deserve her.
MAX
We can’t all be caring guys like
Lucas. We young guys, we see what
we want, we take it, and then we
discard it when we’re done with it.
JILL
Lucas is the last of the good guys.
Marty looks at Max.
MARTY
Hannah deserves far better than you,
you cad.
JILL
What do you think of Lucas?
MARTY
We’ll see,
Marty walks off in anger.
Max turns to Jill.
MAX
I think we’re going to slowly get
your father to finally like Lucas.
JILL
I bet soon dad and Lucas will
become best friends.
INT. HANNAH’S AND MAX’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
MAX
Lucas is making it hard for me
to be more of a bad boy than he
is. Lucas is his own worse enemy.
HANNAH
I can talk to Marty.
MAX
You? I think I have to be the one
to talk to Marty about Lucas.
HANNAH
Oh, I’m pretty sure Marty will listen
to me.
Max jumps on the bed.
MAX
Well, we do need to keep that bad
boy image alive.
Max jumps up and down on the bed over and over.
Max yells loudly as if he and Hannah are having rough sex.
MAX (cont’d)
Here it comes, you whore!
HANNAH
I’m just a frail country lass
going door to door selling
cookies. You’re so nasty.
MAX
Who do you think I am, Lucas?
Nasty is who I am.
The bed breaks.
Max bursts into laughter
Hannah bursts into laughter.
INT. MARTY’S AND ROSA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
MARTY
Did you hear that? Awful, just awful.
ROSA
We used to role play with that much
passion.
MARTY
That’s disgusting.
ROSA
You’ve turned into an old man. What
happened to your gusto?
MARTY
I learned to develop dignity.
ROSA
You learned to develop erectile
dysfunction.
MARTY
Of course I did. I developed it
looking at you every night.
INT. JILL’S ROOM - NIGHT
Lucas is in bed under the covers.
Jill walks across the room towards the room wearing a sexy negligee.
Lucas looks at Jill.
LUCAS
Well, good night.
Jill sensuously flitters her negligee.
JILL
Don’t you want to see what’s
underneath?
LUCAS
I’ve already seen what is underneath.
I’m good.
Jill despondently sits on the bed.
JILL
What’s wrong?
LUCAS
Your mother might hear us. I’m
sure Max and Hannah have
woken them.
JILL
So what if they hear? It
wouldn’t hurt to let them know
we have a great all around
partnership.
LUCAS
I don’t want to upset your
mother.
JILL
My mom? I should think you
would find my father as being
more protective.
LUCAS
Nah, I think your mother would
be more upset.
Jill cuddles next to Lucas
JILL
We’ll be quiet then.
LUCAS
Nah. I’m…tired.
JILL
You choose now to finally
be a gentleman?
INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING
Marty, Rosa, Max, Hannah, Jill, and Lucas sit at a table eating breakfast.
Marty speaks sarcastically to Hannah.
MARTY
So, Hannah, did you sleep well?
MAX
I kept her up all night. By the
way, you’re going to need to
get that bed fixed.
MARTY
That was a nineteenth century
heirloom.
MAX
No wonder it broke. It was old.
Hannah turns to Marty.
HANNAH
I would have slept better…
elsewhere.
JILL
I got lots of sleep…Too much.
Lucas eyes Rosa.
LUCAS
That just gave me more time
to dream about the woman
of my dreams.
JILL
See, mom, Lucas is always
thinking of me.
ROSA
Yes, I find Lucas to be very…
thoughtful.
JILL
Lucas respects me.
MARTY
A woman deserves respect.
Don’t you agree, Hannah?
HANNAH
Respect is nice. It should be
mutual.
MARTY
I couldn’t agree more. Max,
what do you think of that?
MAX
Respect is overrated. How
often you get it, that’s what
matters.
Jill looks at Lucas.
JILL
How one does it matters.
Lucas looks at Rosa.
LUCAS
I am perfectly capable of
being a caring lover.
ROSA
I also believe caring is
important. Don’t you agree,
Marty?
Marty looks at Hannah.
MARTY
Absolutely.
MAX
Hey, what’s a guy got to do
to get some more grub?
JILL
You ask politely, like Lucas
does.
MARTY
And as I do, as well. Hannah,
thank you for cooking breakfast
this morning. I would love if you
cook more, later, when you’re
free.
MAX
Wow, Marty, relax. Hannah
worked hard. You need to wait
before you get more from Hannah.
MARTY
I am perfectly willing to wait
until Hannah is ready..for more.
INT. MANSION ART GALLERY - DAY
Marty points at a painting.
Jill, Rosa, Hannah, Max, and Lucas look at the painting with Marty.
MARTY
These are some of my most
valuable abstracts.
MAX
That one looks like someone took a
dump and then barfed on the canvass.
ROSA
That’s how I felt when he bought it.
HANNAH
I believe it draws one to inspect the
colors so it can reach out and let
our inner emotions respond.
MAX
Yeah, that’s what I said. It makes you
want to poop and then barf
LUCAS
I’m with Rosa. I don’t get it. A two year
old could have painted this.
MARTY
You have to study its composition, texture,
and what the artists was trying to say.
LUCAS
I think the artist was trying to say his
diaper was full so he threw it onto the
canvass.
MAX
I hope you didn’t spend more than fifty
cents on that trash.
MARTY
It cost fifteen thousand dollars.
MAX
Hey, I’ll poop and barf on a canvass
for half that. Next time, call me, sucker.
Max points at another painting.
MARTY
This is a French abstract.
MAX
You French kissed that trash?
HANNAH
I think its wonderful. Looking at
it brings me joy.
MARTY
I like that it makes you happy.
ROSA
I’d be happy if we had the money
back that we paid for these.
MAX
Don’t tell me you paid more than
a dollar for that. OK, maybe ten,
if they kicked in the frame.
MARTY
That one cost twenty five thousand
dollars.
MAX
You like taking a match to your
money?
MARTY
They’re investments.
ROSA
Only no one has offered to buy
any.
MARTY
It takes time for them to appreciate.
MAX
The only time anyone will
appreciate these will be when senility
sets in.
HANNAH
I appreciate them.
MARTY
I’m glad you do, Hannah.
HANNAH
I see a lot of paintings that I like.
Jill points at a painting.
JILL
That one is my favorite.
LUCAS
That is the worse one here. A one
year old could have painted it.
JILL
I painted it…in my senior year
of college.
MAX
I actually like that one, Jill.
LUCAS
I am glad you went into studying
dark matter. You’d starve as an
artist.
Rosa points at a painting.
ROSA
I painted that one.
LUCAS
Now, that is a painting.
JILL
What makes her abstract so much
better than mine?
LUCAS
I just look at it, and it makes me
feel…excited. Its appealing.
MAX
Appealing? Maybe the paint will
peel off and you can then paint
something else on the canvass.
JILL
Don’t feel hurt, mom. Max insults
everyone. That’s how guys today
are. Lucas, though, is nice, and
you can tell he really likes what
you did.
LUCAS
I definitely like what your mother
does.
MAX
Give me five bucks. I’ll take that
to the dump and leave it there
when no one is looking.
LUCAS
You do that, and I’ll throw you
in the dump.
MAX
The dump is great. You’d be
amazed at what people throw
out. Hey, Marty, I’ll keep my
eyes out for some art for you.
LUCAS
Rosa, you should paint some
more.
ROSA
I’ve moved onto other forms
of expressing myself.
JILL
Lucas, dear. Do you think I
should paint something new?
LUCAS
Nah, stick to your day job.
HANNAH
I think this is all such wonderful
art.
MAX
Art? So that’s what this is. I
was trying to figure that out.
JILL
Max, you are so rude.
MAX
You know guys my age. We
express what comes to mind.
And I think this is not art.
JILL
Art to you is comic books.
LUCAS
I love comic books. Strong,
big breasted women wearing
tights. Now that’s art.
INT. MANSION KITCHEN - NIGHT
Hannah stands holding something behind her back.
Marty walks around the kitchen looking at Hannah.
MARTY
So, what are you whipping up next?
HANNAH
Something I think you’d like to taste.
Hannah raises her blouse with one hand.
Hannah sprays whipped cream she is holding in her other hand onto her breasts.
MARTY
You need a gallant man to clean
that up for you.
HANNAH
Please, sir, save me from this vicious
un-nutritional foam.
Marty moves towards Hannah.
Hannah jokingly sprays whipped cream onto Marty’s face.
Hannah laughs.
Marty sees a bag of flour on the counter.
Marty grabs some flour from the bag of flour.
Marty throws the flour onto Hannah’s hair.
Marty laughs.
Hannah falls to the floor laughing.
Marty lies down on the floor next to Hannah.
Marty throws a little bit of flour still in his hand towards Hannah.
Hannah squirts Marty with some whipped cream.
Marty laughs.
Hannah laughs.
HANNAH (cont’d)
What do we say if your wife walks in?
MARTY
We slipped.
Marty laughs.
Hannah laughs.
HANNAH
We slip on flour and whipped cream
all the time.
MARTY
Let’s get away. Let’s go to your place.
HANNAH
I know somewhere closer and its
vacant.
MARTY
Where?
HANNAH
Jill and Max’s place. I have a key. I
water their plants when they are
away.
MARTY
Who is watering them now?
HANNAH
Good point. We’re on an errand
of mercy to go water their plants.
EXT. MANSION GARDENS - NIGHT
Rosa looks at flowers.
Lucas stands next to Rosa looking at flowers with Rosa.
ROSA
We’ve been beating around the
bushes.
LUCAS
They’re over there.
Lucas points to several bushes.
LUCAS (cont’d)
We haven’t reached them yet.
ROSA
I meant, my bush.
Rosa looks seductively at Lucas.
LUCAS
Which bush is yours?
Rosa grabs Lucas firmly.
Rosa grabs Lucas’s hand and lower Lucas’s hand towards her crotch..
LUCAS (cont’d)
Oh.
ROSA
Drive me to your place, and
then, drive me to…nirvana.
LUCAS
I have some Nirvana records…
Rosa holds Lucas tighter.
LUCAS (cont’d)
Oh.
INT. JILL AND LUCAS’S APARTMENT- NIGHT
Lucas walks around the apartment watering the plants.
Rosa watches Lucas walk.
LUCAS
How do you like my quarters.
ROSA
I want to draw and quarter you.
Rosa pushes Lucas towards the bed.
LUCAS
Oh, you draw?
ROSA
I will…with my tongue…all
over your body.
Rosa pushes Lucas onto the bed.
Lucas falls onto the bed.
Lucas speaks with his Dustin Hoffman imitation.
LUCAS
Mrs. Rodriguez, are you trying
to seduce me?
ROSA
Not trying, am.
Rosa jumps on top of Lucas.
ROSA (cont’d)
Who’s your momma?
LUCA
Mommy!
JEN TOOKUS, an older woman, enters.
JEN
Your mommy is here!
Rosa quickly rolls off from onto of Lucas.
ROSA
Who are you?
JEN
I’m Lucas’s mother.
Jen looks closely at Rosa.
JEN (cont’d)
You slut.
Jen lunges towards Rosa.
Rosa rises off the bed.
Rosa lunges towards Jen.
JEN (cont’d)
How dare you bed my son,
you harlot.
Lucas jumps up.
Lucas runs in-between Rosa and Jen.
Rosa tries swinging at Jen while Lucas keeps the swings from mostly missing Jen.
Jen tries swinging at Rosa while Lucas keeps the swings from mostly missing Rosa.
LUCAS
I see you two know each other. Mother,
Rosa, Rosa, Mother.
Jen shouts towards Rosa.
JEN
Sorry to see your looks have
deteriorated, considering all you
had was your body, although most
of that came out of bottles.
Rosa should at Jen.
ROSA
You still have that cheerful disposition
that drives men to rip their ears off.
The lock on the front door is heard turning.
Jen, Rosa, and Lucas turns to see who is turning the lock.
The front door swings open.
Marty carries Hannah over the threshold of the front door.
Marty and Hannah kiss passionately.
ROSA
MARTY!
Marty and Rosa stop kissing.
HANNAH
We came to water the plants.
Marty lets Rosa slide off him so she is standing.
ROSA
With your saliva?
LUCAS
I already watered the plants.
ROSA
Not the point.
Jen turns to Rosa.
JEN
You not only took my boyfriend
away from me. Now you want
my son?
Rosa has a shocked appearance.
ROSA
Lucas is your son?
HANNAH
Wait, who is Lucas’s momma?
JEN and ROSA (in unison)
I am.
ROSA
Well, I mean, Jen her give birth
to him.
Jen turns to Lucas.
JEN
Your evil father ran off with this
witch. Your father wanted nothing
to do with you. I changed our last
names from Butz so he wouldn’t
find us.
LUCAS
You chose the last name Tookus,
after naming me Lucas?
JEN
I was young.
LUCAS
Whatever became of my father?
MARTY
I am almost afraid to say this,
but, Luke, I am your father.
LUCAS
Ew, I have been sleeping with
my step-mother.
JEN
This whore is nothing to you.
You have a girlfriend. Who I came
by tonight to meet, in case you
forgot.
Marty turns to Rosa.
MARTY
And you have a husband.
ROSA
And you have a wife.
LUCAS
I did remember to water the plants.
JEN
Not the point.
LUCAS
She and another friend are staying
at their mansion.
JEN
Good, I’ll meet her there. Rosa,.
it will be nice to catch up.
INT. MANSION DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Jen, Lucas, Jill, Max, Hannah, Marty, and Rosa eat quietly.
JILL
My, everyone is so quiet.
There is a long pause.
LUCAS
I watered the plants.
JILL
Did you get them wet?
ROSA
He almost got me wet.
JILL
Lucas never gets them
wet enough.
ROSA
No, he usually does.
LUCAS
I found out today that Marty is
my natural father.
JILL
So, if we get married, your
father in law would also be
your father.
LUCAS
And my wife would be my sister.
JILL
Wait, that would be me.
LUCAS
That’s not the end of it.
JILL
Oh, do I have other siblings?
MARTY
Rosa is working on that.
JILL
Huh?
ROSA
Hush now. Some things should
be kept quiet.
HANNAH
I agree.
MAX
What do you agree about?
HANNAH
We should enjoy a quiet, peaceful
meal.
ROSA
Yes, and not spoil it by telling Max
that his girlfriend is sleeping with
my husband.
JILL
Oh, no, Hannah…that would make
you my…wife in law?
Marty turns to Max.
MARTY
Max, I apologize for trying to steal
your girlfriend.
HANNAH
Max and I were only pretending to
be dating.
Max stands.
MAX
I came here pretending to be a terrible
boyfriend so you could appreciate what
a good partner is like.
Jill stands.
JILL
Max, you did that.
Jill turns to Lucas.
JILL (cont’d)
Lucas, I want your things out of my
apartment.
Jill turns to Max.
JILL
Max, will you please drive me home?
Jill exits.
Max exits besides Jill.
MARTY
Rosa, we haven’t gotten along in
years.
ROSA
We both want different things.
MARTY
I think it is best we divorce.
ROSA
I’ve already filed.
JEN
Wow, I came to meet my son’s
girlfriend and instead I find all
this.
ROSA
You did find your son’s
girlfriend, if he’ll still have me.
LUCAS
I do. I mean, yes.
ROSA
Jen, I am sorry I stole Marty
from you. Yet he was not ready
to be a father.
JEN
I see he was ready to be a father
to Jill.
ROSE
You didn’t know how to handle
Marty.
JEN
And you did?
ROSA
Your mistake was you got pregnant.
That flipped him out. He wanted
nothing more to do with you so he
came running to me.
MARTY
Yes, Rosa knew how to handle me. By
not telling me she was pregnant with
Jill.
LUCAS
So, mom, is it alright with you if Rosa
and I pursue a relationship?
JEN
If being miserable with a floozy makes
you happy, who am I to stand in the
way?
MARTY
So, Hannah, can I show you some
more of the local sights?
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT
Carrie has a cup against the door with her ear to the cup listening to the conversation in the dining room.
Carrie turns to Yogi.
CARRIE
This is even better than the Gerry Show.
EXT. LOOKOUT POINT - NIGHT
Marty and Hannah sit in an expensive car, both naked, kissing each other.
SLIM JAMIESON, a teenage boy, walks past the car.
SLIM
Get a room, you kids.
Marty stops kissing Hannah.
Marty looks up at Slim.
SLIM (cont’d)
Oh…ah..sorry, sir…Have a…
good evening.
Slim walks quickly away.
MARTY
Hannah, you are the most beautiful
woman in the world.
HANNAH
Thank you.
MARTY
I am so lucky you are willing to be
with an old geezer.
HANNAH
Age isn’t important. Its that we
appreciate and love each other.
MARTY
You’re not after my money, are
you?
HANNAH
Of course not. I know Rosa’s
gonna take your money
Lucas and Rosa, both naked, kiss in the next car over.
LUCAS
No one will every find us here.
Slim walks by the car Lucas and Rosa are in.
SLIM
Get a room, you kids.
Rosa stops kissing Lucas.
Rosa looks at Slim.
ROSA
Get lost, squirt.
Slim runs off.
SLIM
Oh, maaannnn.
ROSA
Lucas, you know how to turn a
woman on.
LUCAS
You are the most stimulating gal
there is.
ROSA
You’re the sweetest guy ever.
LUCAS
I’ve never felt this good.
ROSA
You found my g spot, my h spot,
my i spot…
Rosa and Lucas kiss.
Police Officer JIM PICARDO walks toward Marty and Hannah’s car.
Slim walks besides Jim.
Slim points at Marty’s car and at Rosa’s car.
Slim slips away.
Jim knocks on Marty’s car window.
JIM
Out of the car.
Marty exits the car naked.
Hannah exits the car naked.
Jim knocks on Rosa’s car.
JIM
Out of the car.
Rosa exits the car naked.
Lucas exits the car naked.
Marty looks at Rosa.
Rosa looks at Marty.
ROSA
Well, this is awkward.
JIM
All four of you are under arrest
for public nudity.
Slim crouches behind a bush taking photographs of Rosa, Hannah, Marty, and Lucas with a telescopic camera.
MARTY
Before you arrest us…There
is something I have to say.
Marty gets on one knee.
Marty reaches out holding a ring.
ROSA
Where was he hiding a ring?
MARTY
Hannah, will you make me the
happiest man on Earth?
Jim pulls Marty up.
Jim pulls Marty’s hands backwards.
Jim handcuffs Marty’s hands.
HANNAH
I accept.
Hannah runs to Marty.
Hannah throws her arms around Marty.
Jim pushes Hannah away from Marty.
Jim pulls Hannah’s hands backwards.
Jim handcuffs Hannah’s hands.
Marty turns backwards.
Hannah turns backwards from Marty.
Marty slips the ring onto Hannah’s finger.
Jim walks towards Lucas.
LUCAS
Wait, before you handcuff
us, which, by the way, we
are way ahead of you. We
have our own pair.
Lucas gets on his knees.
Lucas raises his hand holding a ring.
ROSA
Seriously, where are you
naked men hiding these rings?
LUCAS
Rosa, will you make Marty the
second happiest man on Earth
by making me the happiest man
on Earth by marrying me?
ROSA
I will.
Lucas and Rosa embrace and kiss..
Lucas and Rosa separate.
Lucas places his hands backwards in order to be handcuffed.
JIM
Go ahead, give her the ring
first.
MARTY
Oh, sure, let them do it with
no difficulty.
Slim flashes an “OK” sign with his fingers towards Jim.
Jim nods back at Slim.
JIM
OK, OK, tell you what. I’ve got
a soft spot in my heart. By the
power invested in me, I ain’t
going to arrest any of you.
Jim removes the handcuffs from Hannah.
Jim removes the handcuffs from Marty.
JIM
Let me be the first to say,
congratulations. And next time,
get a room.
INT. HANNAH’S DINER - NIGHT
MARIA SMITH delivers food to JILL, sitting at a table.
Max enters.
JILL
You are the worse bad boyfriend
ever.
MAX
No, I think Lucas would win that
award.
JILL
Thank you for helping to open my
eyes to reality.
MAX
Again, Lucas did most of that.
JILL
Why can’t I find a good guy?
MAX
Because you chase after the
bad guys.
JILL
Bad guys are fun.
MAX
Until you realize they really are
bad. Good guys can be fun. By
definition, good guys are good.
If they’re really good at it, they
are also good at being bad at
the correct moments.
JILL
Yeah, well, where am I going
to find a good guys who knows
when to be bad?
MAX
I hope I already showed you.
Jill looks up at Max thinking.
Jill smiles at Max.
JILL
You’re right.
MAX
Would you like to discuss this
over dinner?
JILL
I’d love to. You know, I can
also be bad.
MAX
I’m looking forward to seeing
that.
INT. MAGAZINE STORE - DAY
JOSEPH PULLIER, the store owner, is behind a counter.
Yogi walks up to Joseph and whispers to Joseph.
Carrie walks beside Yogi.
YOGI
Has this month’s Nudes in Handcuffs
magazine arrived?
Joseph reaches underneath the counter and hands a copy of “Nudes in Handcuffs” magazine.
Joseph looks at the magazine cover.
Carrie looks at the magazine cover.
Marty and Hannah, nude while handcuffed, appear on the cover.
Carrie screams.
CARRIE
AUGH!
FADE OUT
